My Rants

I am so tired of fears and doubts. I wish for once I was not afraid of my desires. I wish for once I could do something without doubting myself. I am tired of getting the stirrings of arousal and instantly trying to suffocate the feelings before they can take hold. I am a good person, I am not like the people who abused me. What makes me different from them is I would never sexually abuse another human. Yet every time I get the stirring of emotions that would lead to arousal and sexual excitement, I block them I hide from them I do whatever it takes to kill the feelings. Why? I am afraid of those feelings. Why? The lessons I have learned about these feelings is that they are uncontrollable, raw, they make people do evil things to others. Do I think that all these things are true. NO! Do emotions and thought interact to pass information between each other. Yes and no. Yes emotion has a one way line to intelligence. It will call up intelligence and yell and scream DANGER!!!!! DANGER!!!! Every other aspect of the human mind is listening in on the call and panic and or fear take control. Intelligence gets ignored for a time and the cry of wolf makes it through again.

I know in a logical intelligent way that I am not like the people who abused me. I fear of becoming like them. I fear it so much that I over control the feelings by not allowing them. All the good feelings I deny myself to be able to keep control of myself.

Self denial is no way of controlling your emotions. Your emotions should not be controlled. The way you express them should be. I do not know how to express my emotions. I do not know how to feel a lot of my emotions. I am about as feeling as a robot in most aspects. I am tired of being the ring master for the three ring circus. The rings being fear, pain, self abuse. These have been the ruling emotions for most of my life. I have started to feel other emotions like love, joy, compassion. I like these emotions more than the others. I do not wish to remove the old emotions I just wish to have an equal playing field.