Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Stress and Doubts
I seem to be going through a bit of a rough time with my stress level. Right now in my life I am in a situation where I can not afford to pay very much towards my student loan. So the bank sent it to Alliance One. Both are just doing what they do. The people that I deal with are just doing their jobs. This only adds to my stress. Knowing that they are only earning their living keeps me from lashing out in frustration. Being in debt for almost what you take home in a year is a daunting thing. I see no end in site for this debt that I have been carrying with me for a long time. I have already declared bankruptcy once, however the laws here were changed so that it does not affect your student loan. Well you know if I cant afford to pay my other creditors what in the hell makes the law makers think that I will be able to pay off the student loan? My bankruptcy only cleared half of my debt load.
Then I find out that bankruptcy does not clear the slate it just delays the fact. The creditors that are out the money can take action against you later on in life when you do have the money. There are lawyers out there who specialize in this. I do not have an issue with them either. I wish I had the money to pay off all the debts that I have. I do not. This is a major cause of stress.
Our car broke down as the last post states. Now all the signs point to one item in particular the alternator. I have a used one coming to me later this week for free. However I have doubts. All the what if's. My mind is racing what if the alternator is not the problem. What if you can not fix the car and lose your job. Well that would be a blessing in disguise to be honest. Still what if you can not find another job right away. What's going to happen with this creditor who wants the full amount of over twenty thousand dollars. So my stress level goes up. As it rises so do the what if's.
I take a deep breath and realize that I cant. My breathing is shallow and I can not seem to draw enough air. Oh damn an anxiety attack. I have a head ache and a stomach ache and random thoughts of death and dying and how that would help financially but I would not be here to spend the money. DO NOT WORRY I AM NOT SUICIDAL
I have no idea how the hell I am going to get out of this one. However I know no matter what I have a loving wife by my side, a great daughter there with her, and some kick ass friends watching my back.
My stress will pass, so will the anxiety, hell even the debt will one day be gone and the car will have rusted away. My wife, daughter, and friends will still be there.
Love you all.
Friday, December 23, 2005
Little things
This morning I go out to our vehicle and start it up. This vehicle has been having some little issues with it ever since we bought it. We have dealt with the drivers door not opening and the main computer having a floating ground ( a floating ground means that sometimes somethings don't work the ways they should. The computer thinks that things are broken when they are not.). The floating ground makes trying to figure out what is broke and what is a false positive difficult to say the least. Well I had a battery light the other day. The next time I start the car the battery light is out. I figure its a false positive. This morning I go out start the car and the battery light is there.
No problem I think. I turn on the head lights and head out of my driveway. I am only a dozen meters or so away when all the dashboard lights go out and the radio stops playing. The headlights dim and the engine starts sounding funny. I turn off the radio and the headlights and turn the car around. I am able to pull into the driveway and the car is out of commission.
Say la vie right. So I phone a few places for a new alternator or a rebuilt one. Oh did I mention that the car is a 91 Honda Accord. Well a new alternator is almost three hundred bucks. Ouch! A rebuilt one is two hundred and thirty bucks. Ouch! One from the scrap yard not rebuilt and no idea how long it will last with a minimal warranty is one hundred and twenty five bucks. OUCH!
Why the hell is a simple part so expensive. All it is is some wire wound around iron rods and surrounding some magnets that spin with the rpm of the engine. It produces an alternating current which is regulated and then goes out to power the car and charge the battery. Its not a difficult thing. Its not an uncommon part. WHY THE HELL IS IT SO EXPENSIVE!
Well enough of my rant thanks for listening and seasons greetings.
Friday, December 16, 2005
Epiphanies.
Epiphany
This is where most people stumble, they do not realize that the angle or perspective has changed ever so slightly. They see the same spot and panic or freak out. Well I learned along time ago that panic is something that can not be afforded a foot hold. Deal with the situation no matter what it is. If you have time later to reflect on the how's and whys and wherefores of the situation you can panic then. Freaking out is a way of projecting your panic or frustration. I use to freak out from frustration, however I have learned that it is nothing more than a waste of my breath and time. So I do not freak out anymore.
This left me with very few options when I came upon the same spot of wool. So I learned to stop and look at my situation and compare it to the last time I was there. I would find that it was not the same. Sometimes its so close to the same that it is hard to tell the difference but if you stop and take a breath and collect yourself, you will find that you start to see things in a new light. I have moved along this thread of wool for so long wandering the outside of the ball. Wondering how it was I would ever get into the heart of this mass of confusion. Then I found that I could walk along the thread itself and not just the outside of the ball. Let me explain that. I was walking along the thread before, however I would jump from this part of the thread to that part of the thread when they intersected. Thus I was always walking along the outside of the ball.
Once I learned to walk the single thread without hopping from here to there I found that the thread actually lead me into its secretive insides. Now I keep on the path keep my eyes open and learn along the way.
This was one of my epiphanies. Learning to walk the thread and not jump around. It is a simple thing that makes a big difference.
Another epiphany I have had recently is one of smiles. I had made a phone call a couple of years back to an agency that offered twelve weeks of therapy for free. I choked down my fear and phoned. I could not give my wife or step-daughter the life they deserved with the way I was. So I swallowed what I thought was my pride and phoned and when the woman who answered the phone asked me why I needed to see them, I almost died. I figured what have I got to lose. I gave her a five minute run down of my life. I heard her gasp and mumble oh my. She then told me someone would contact me within fourteen days.
Well two days later I got a phone call from a gentleman who wanted to talk about my situation. We set up a time to meet and I figured I would get all I could out of the twelve weeks. I still see this gentleman on a monthly basis out of his private practice. He does not charge me for the time. He has told me that I have already paid enough. The epiphany in this is when I first called the agency and when I first met my therapist, I had one goal in mind and my request was for them to help me reach that goal. It was a not so simple thing at the time. I asked them to teach me to smile.
Within six months of talking with John, I was catching myself smiling more often. Not an exceptional amount mind you but it was a lot more than I had done for the previous thirty-three years of my life. Well that has progressed as time has gone on. The other day I was driving home from work and my day had been stressful, however instead of being a grump like I was a couple years ago. I found myself smiling. For no reason at all. I was just in a good mood. Even though my day had been tough. I was floored. I could not believe I was smiling. I had broken through a barrier. I had made the decision to be happy. To not let it get to me and to let it all go. This was my epiphany.
In learning how to smile I have learned to take control of my moods. I do not know how to control my emotions and I never will. I fought in vain trying to do that for a very long time. It is not possible to control emotions. However controlling how we act and how we re-act to the emotions is another thing all together. I now know that I can control my actions to my emotions. This is where all the power is. I could do this in the past. The difference now is that I do this with more then just my fear and anguish. I now do this with all my emotions. I have opened the pandora's box and let all the emotions out. Yes there are bad ones, however there are also good ones. I choose what ones I will allow to influence me now. When they were in the box there was no control over what influenced me. There was only one influence and that was fear.
There is a multitude of other emotions and feelings in the box just waiting ttitillatete your senses in ways you could not imagine. I am still a close friend of fear however I now know that I do not have to listen to everything fear has to say. I can pick and choose what advice I take from fear. I also have a lot of others whispering suggestions and thoughts into my ears now that they are out of the box.
Thanks to all who have walked with me, held my hand, wiped away a tear, or just lent an ear or should to me when needed. I have a long way to go and many more epiphanies along the way I hope.
- A Christian feast celebrating the manifestation of the divine nature of Jesus to the Gentiles as represented by the Magi.
- January 6, on which this feast is traditionally observed.
- A revelatory manifestation of a divine being.
- A sudden manifestation of the essence or meaning of something.
- A comprehension or perception of reality by means of a sudden intuitive realization: ÂI experienced an epiphany, a spiritual flash that would change the way I viewed myself (Frank Maier).
This is where most people stumble, they do not realize that the angle or perspective has changed ever so slightly. They see the same spot and panic or freak out. Well I learned along time ago that panic is something that can not be afforded a foot hold. Deal with the situation no matter what it is. If you have time later to reflect on the how's and whys and wherefores of the situation you can panic then. Freaking out is a way of projecting your panic or frustration. I use to freak out from frustration, however I have learned that it is nothing more than a waste of my breath and time. So I do not freak out anymore.
This left me with very few options when I came upon the same spot of wool. So I learned to stop and look at my situation and compare it to the last time I was there. I would find that it was not the same. Sometimes its so close to the same that it is hard to tell the difference but if you stop and take a breath and collect yourself, you will find that you start to see things in a new light. I have moved along this thread of wool for so long wandering the outside of the ball. Wondering how it was I would ever get into the heart of this mass of confusion. Then I found that I could walk along the thread itself and not just the outside of the ball. Let me explain that. I was walking along the thread before, however I would jump from this part of the thread to that part of the thread when they intersected. Thus I was always walking along the outside of the ball.
Once I learned to walk the single thread without hopping from here to there I found that the thread actually lead me into its secretive insides. Now I keep on the path keep my eyes open and learn along the way.
This was one of my epiphanies. Learning to walk the thread and not jump around. It is a simple thing that makes a big difference.
Another epiphany I have had recently is one of smiles. I had made a phone call a couple of years back to an agency that offered twelve weeks of therapy for free. I choked down my fear and phoned. I could not give my wife or step-daughter the life they deserved with the way I was. So I swallowed what I thought was my pride and phoned and when the woman who answered the phone asked me why I needed to see them, I almost died. I figured what have I got to lose. I gave her a five minute run down of my life. I heard her gasp and mumble oh my. She then told me someone would contact me within fourteen days.
Well two days later I got a phone call from a gentleman who wanted to talk about my situation. We set up a time to meet and I figured I would get all I could out of the twelve weeks. I still see this gentleman on a monthly basis out of his private practice. He does not charge me for the time. He has told me that I have already paid enough. The epiphany in this is when I first called the agency and when I first met my therapist, I had one goal in mind and my request was for them to help me reach that goal. It was a not so simple thing at the time. I asked them to teach me to smile.
Within six months of talking with John, I was catching myself smiling more often. Not an exceptional amount mind you but it was a lot more than I had done for the previous thirty-three years of my life. Well that has progressed as time has gone on. The other day I was driving home from work and my day had been stressful, however instead of being a grump like I was a couple years ago. I found myself smiling. For no reason at all. I was just in a good mood. Even though my day had been tough. I was floored. I could not believe I was smiling. I had broken through a barrier. I had made the decision to be happy. To not let it get to me and to let it all go. This was my epiphany.
In learning how to smile I have learned to take control of my moods. I do not know how to control my emotions and I never will. I fought in vain trying to do that for a very long time. It is not possible to control emotions. However controlling how we act and how we re-act to the emotions is another thing all together. I now know that I can control my actions to my emotions. This is where all the power is. I could do this in the past. The difference now is that I do this with more then just my fear and anguish. I now do this with all my emotions. I have opened the pandora's box and let all the emotions out. Yes there are bad ones, however there are also good ones. I choose what ones I will allow to influence me now. When they were in the box there was no control over what influenced me. There was only one influence and that was fear.
There is a multitude of other emotions and feelings in the box just waiting ttitillatete your senses in ways you could not imagine. I am still a close friend of fear however I now know that I do not have to listen to everything fear has to say. I can pick and choose what advice I take from fear. I also have a lot of others whispering suggestions and thoughts into my ears now that they are out of the box.
Thanks to all who have walked with me, held my hand, wiped away a tear, or just lent an ear or should to me when needed. I have a long way to go and many more epiphanies along the way I hope.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
A few minutes in my childhood.
Mommy I cleaned my room like you asked.
See!
No mommy, I cleaned it all. I did not push it all under the bed look, you see nothing under the bed.
No mommy, I did as you asked. Please mommy not the strap.
Why mommy, whyyyyyyyyyyyy?
Mommy STOP! MOMMY! OW Mommy it hurts MOMMY!
I did as you asked MOMMY STOP! MOMMY! MOMMY! NO MOMMY!
No mommy I am not crying. I know big boys dont cry mommy. Mommy NO! WHY MOMMY? I am not crying mommy I got something in my eye. I dont need a reason to cry MOMMY NO! OW! PLEASE STOP MOMMY PLEASE. I will be good I promise.
MOMMY NO!
PLEASE MOMMY!
