My Rants

I am going to list some signs of low self esteem. I speak from experience here.

1. Person who does everything for everyone except themselves.
2. Person who does not make or keep eye contact.
3. Person who can not take a compliment.
4. Person who can not take constructive criticism.
5. Person who constantly seek approval / acceptance.
   
6. Person who drinks too much.
7. Person who does drugs.
8. Person who is self degrading.
9. Person who is self mutilating.
10. Person who can not say NO to others.

This is my top ten list of signs to watch out for. Not all of these signs have to be present, however I have never exhibited only one sign. There has always been a few of these signs present. If you meet someone with low self esteem the best thing to do is to just listen. Let them talk, when they are done you could offer a hug. Let them know that you care and that they can talk to you anytime.

Cheers

I have come to realize that my dream could be a lesson about being trapped in my own home made prison. It could have been telling me that I have to give up old harmful habits and beliefs to move on and be healthy. I have been doing alot of this in the past few years. I have quit smoking, and drinking beer. Those were the two tough physical addictions for me. I have also been finding some of my trigger points. The things that make me grumpy. I have been working on removing the ones I know about and finding the ones that are still hidden. Do I expect to remove them all, well, yes I do, eventually. I have hit a few stumbling blocks along these paths and some minor set backs. However I keep going. Sometimes I sit for a while before I pick myself up and move on. I am able to do this now a days because I have some excellent support at home.

So how is it the dream could be telling me to get out of my home made prison? Well I had hit a stumbling block, ( felt more like a brick wall ) and I had become grumpy, very grumpy. I had fallen into an old pattern and it was comfortable. Like an old pair of jeans. It was not very nice for the people around me though. Then I had the dream and I started to realize what an SOB I had been and how I had reverted to someone I use to be and someone I did not want to be.

I realized that I was doing what I was taught to do at a young age. This was not and is not acceptable. I am no longer a child. I can no longer hide behind the "I did not know better" excuse. I am facing some more of my fears now thanks to my wife and my dream.

I am still scared. Oh boy am I ever scared. However I am no longer locked in the prison that that fear had created. Now I am scared and running free where ever I feel like running. I am not what ifing my life away.

I normally do not remember my dreams. I have been told that when the time is right I will remember them. It seems to be popular belief that your mind will protect you from your dreams after traumatic events.

Last night I dreamed a very unusual dream, for me the fact that I can remember the dream is unusual in and of itself. I had a dream that I was being reborn. The strangeness of this dream is that I was the one who also gave birth to myself. I did not want to die though. So I held off on actually delivering myself for 12 hours. My dream was full of fear. Fear of giving myself something better than what I already had.

I remember so vividly the feeling of despair at the thought of having to die. Even knowing that I was not going to die, that I was only giving myself a new start did not help. I clung to the fact that the old had to end. I even said in my dream "I don't want to die! I was just starting to enjoy this life.".

I don't know what to make of the dream, I just cant get over this foreboding feeling.

Eyes feel dry
Head is nodding, nodding
Conciousness is fleeting, fleeting

Fleeting.

Internal voice says AWAKEN!

Head snaps back
Eyes fly open

Panic

All is fine.

Head is nodding, nodding
Conciousness is fleeting, fleeting

Fleeting.

Sleep has its newest prisoner.

Well I have come to the relization that I have just gone through and probably still going thruogh some self pity. I have never before in my life felt sorry for myself, nor did I want others to feel sorry for me. I did anything I could to avoid this. I had an event in my life happen a short while back that made me start looking at my life and how it has unfolded so far. I realized how much was never given to me. I realized how much was taken away from me, and I realized how much anger and rage I had and have over this.

This rage and anger has been rearing its ugly head in my life as of late. I have lashed out at my loved ones. I have not meant to, and I have not wanted to. I do not know how to release all this rage and anger. I have alway kept it tucked away in a safe place, or at least what I thought was a safe place. I am realizing that keeping these feelings inside is not a safe place nor a healthy thing to do. I have started blogging to help release some of my feelings and to share some of my thoughts.

The first steps have been taken and the thousand mile journey is engaged. One day I shall see the end of the thousand miles, when that happens I will keep walking.

Cheers

This evening we were eating dinner outside in the cool breeze. All of a sudden the sky went almost black, and the front moved in fast. We grabbed our food and took it inside. The dark clouds became a mix of light and dark. It was one of the most spectacular sites I have seen. It looked like the clouds were boiling. As if we were looking into a pot of water that had been boiling for a while. This was followed by seeing the front start to collapse in on itself. The outter edges started moving into a spot that seemed to have stalled. The clouds did some very interesting things in the spot that seemed to stand still. It looked as if the rose and fell in that area. This spot did move on, after a lower level band of clouds moved in and poured on us.

This was an awe inspiring as well as a scary event.

Cheers

There have been very few things in my life that were me or mine. By this I mean that most of my life has been lived by or for others. My mother was very controlling, my father was never home or passed out when he was, so trying to get his attention took a lot of work. These are the things that shaped me. I grew into someone who had no concept of self. A never ending struggle to change and adapt to fit the situation I was in.

I still find myself doing this type of changing. It is not a good habit to be in. I am going through a change in my life now that is good. I am full of rage and hate and anger for wrongs commited against me in the past. I am working through these feelings now. I am no longer hiding them. I am no longer trying to protect the guilty parties. I am starting to look after ME!

Now in my previous post I stated I was looking for a new job or perhaps a new career. I have found myself looking back however. I am looking towards a career that I have been interested in for a very long time. Not having any self confidence or good self image in the past has kept me from going after this career. Now I know I can do this career easily. I have always had the skills needed. I lacked the confidence. I am gaining in this area thanks to a few people in my life.

I would like to thank my wife for all the love and support she has and still does show me. I would like to thank my step-daughter for her love. I would like to thank my counsellor for listening to me and gently guiding me in the correct direction. These three people have been my rocks over the past while. If not for all of them I would not be where I am now. I would not be changing to be different now. I would still be changing to stay the same.

I was thinking about starting this blog for just random thoughts. I then changed my mind and figured I would post daily positives here. To start a trend. I am use to looking at the negative aspects of life. I am going to start looking for the positives now.

My work place is thinking of starting a rotating shift. This in itself is an issue for me, then add that they are not implimenting it for all the employee's only certain ones. This is another issue for me.

Now instead of rambling on about all the negatives about this I am looking for the good that this will bring.

I have informed my boss that if they do this I will be giving my two week notice. This is not a bad thing. I am in a position that I am not busy enough. The rotating shift is the nudge that I need to motivate myself to search out a new job. Perhaps even a new career. I am now searching for a new job.

This is helping me face some deep rooted fears. The fear of change that exists in all of us, I never realized that it was in me. My life has always been turmoil and change and I always thought that I adapted well. This does not mean that I am not afraid of change though. I do adapt well to most changes. I am a creature of habit like everyone else. Once I get into a comfortable rutt I like to stay there. Now the changes that have happened in the past were actually a way of staying in one of those rutts. The more things change the more they stay the same. That is so true.

Time to search for a fresh start.

Cheers