Sunday, May 27, 2007
Dichotomy
Welcome to my Dichotomy. What I have here is a simple issue really. I am in the process of recreating myself. I am in the middle of the difficult work of teaching my brain how to let go of neural connections that have a profoundly negative effect on my life, and trying to replace those neural connections with positive self affirming connections. This is no easy task in the best of circumstances. Now this is half of my issue.
The other half of my issue is that of how to move on. Some people find it helpful to face the past and confront it. I saw all the power to them and I am proud of them for being able to do that. My problem with doing that is that the people who did me the most harm are not responsible for their actions. They were only doing what they had been taught. Hence they grew up in tough situations.
This factor alone caused them to make neural connections that are not healthy to my reality. In the reality that they were created they did the job that needed to be done. So now my Dichotomy. How do I go about my healing by facing these people and telling them that what they did to me was wrong? They did not see it that way. They do not see it that way. I refuse to be the one to add more harm to them.
It was after, all the experiences that they lived through that made them the way they are. For me to go and face them head on would be the equal of someone coming to me and saying your a bad person due to the things you lived through. Those experiences shaped my reality. In doing so they shaped me as well. This does not make me a bad person, it makes me a person who has experienced bad things.
I am not by any means trying to defend what happened to myself. Nor am I trying to protect those that are guilty of malicious acts. I am however trying to stop the suffering. For everyone involved. Passing it back to those who passed it on to me would not be stopping the suffering only moving it on. That would make me no better than them. I am better than them that is why I am doing the difficult part. The healing part. The passing of the buck is easy. It is always easier to say it is not my fault or responsibility.
I am a grown person now. I am responsible for my actions. I am responsible for creating my reality. I will not force my reality on someone else. I will share my reality with those that I wish to. I do not wish to share it with those that have wronged me in the past. They do not deserve it.
I am a good person. I am a great person. I am an unstoppable person. I am a healing person. I am whom ever I wish to be. I create my reality. I am in control of my perceptions, my feelings, my interactions.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Criminal Injuries Compensation Board
Well I am going to put it all on the line and apply for some compensation for what happened to me in the past. I have to apply to the Criminal Injuries Compensation Board. This is being facilitated in part by a good friend and a law firm that he has been helping.
The issues I have with this is that I have to tell it all. I have told it on my other blog, however that has been an icing on the cake telling. I have not delved into the depths of what happened to me. So I figured why not go whole hawg and post my first telling here. Following is the sexual abuse that I have suffered in my life. I shall not put names into this telling of my story. I do not wish to reveal to the whole world who I am. Those who know me can just ask who the people are.
First time I had heard of sex was when my mother threatened to with hold it from my father if he did not do as she stated. This for me was a difficult lesson. What she wanted was my ass whipped with a leather strap that they kept in the front closet. This was the first time I had heard about sex and I was about 7 years old. I am not sure what it was that she thought I had done wrong that time, whatever it was though really pissed her off. I know that I had taken a spanking from her about it earlier and laughed about it. I had been spanked so much that my bottom had become callused to it. A bare hand did not bother me anymore. I use to laugh about the fact that my bottom and my back from the base of my head to the tip of my tail bone did not feel pain. Now as an adult it scares the hell out of me. I do however have feeling in those areas, even if its not the same as "normal" people have. This sexual threat was used various times to get my father to use the belt on me over the next few years. The belt always hurt.
The year is 1984, I am going to turn 14 this summer. My parents had set up a summer away for me. One of my fathers brothers had 200 acres of land up north and I was going there. I could not wait. I could go up there and I could relax and not have to deal with my parents. How I wish I could have spent the summer at home trying to win my parents approval. I should have known that the summer was going to be wrong when he came to pick me up. The car ride to his property was the beginning of my sexual abuse. He put his hand on my knee and stroked it while he drove. I thought it was an odd for him to do, however I did not say anything I did not want to upset him. He was being so nice to me taking me for the summer. About an hour and forty five minutes into the car ride his hand went up my leg to my mid thigh. This was where it stopped from me clenching my legs closed. He told me it was ok. He said he would not hurt me and would not touch me if I did not want him to. I relaxed and he groped me. Then he took me to the grocery store and bought me a carton of cigarettes.
I can not honestly say what happened over the next couple of days. My next memory of that summer was a few days after arriving. It was late evening and things I thought were going great. We had just finished a nice meal and had cleaned up the dishes. I had been given a glass of wine with dinner and was on my second glass when I started to feel warm and light headed. This was not a normal reaction for me. I was use to drinking a lot more than two glasses of wine. However I did not think about that. I mentioned to him that I did not feel well and he said I should go lay down in his bed. It was a water bed and cooler than the single mattress bed that I had. His logic made sense so I did. I am not sure how much time passed before he came in, however he woke me up by groping me, or at least I thought that was what it was he was doing at first. His hand was working its way up and down the crack of my ass. It was slippery and did not feel right. I asked him if I had soiled the bed and apologized. He told me not to worry that I had not. So I rolled over and asked him what he was doing. He showed me a carrot wrapped in plastic wrap and a bottle of vegetable oil. He told me that he was going to teach me how to pleasure myself. I told him I did not wish to learn and he put a small brown bottle under my nose and told me to inhale deeply. He kept telling me that I was safe that he would not hurt me. I inhaled and became very light headed almost instantly. He then inserted the carrot into my ass. I whimpered and told him I did not wish for this to continue. He told me to relax as he pumped away with the carrot in his one hand and his cock in the other. He then turned us around so that he was sitting and I was in the doggy position. I then got the pleasure as he put it of his cock in my mouth as he fucked my ass with the carrot. Then when he was done he sucked my cock. I did not know what to do. I wanted to die. I wanted to kill him. I wanted it to stop.
It was a few days later that he introduced me to a friend of his who worked for the city. He told me that his friend wanted to take me to work with him that day. His friend worked in remote area's checking up on electrical lines and transformers. I was happy to get out of there for a while. I was not very happy with what had happened a few days earlier. So I went to work with his friend. It was about lunch time when his friend told me to show him my cock. I am in the middle of nowhere with a perfect stranger who is insisting on seeing my cock. What to do. The pickup truck doors are locked and there is not one around for miles. After some convincing I do as I am told and I show him my cock. He fondles me and then starts to suck on it. As he does this he pulls his cock out of his pants and grabs my hand. I resist. He pulls my hand to his cock and starts to rub his cock with my hand. This continues until he is satisfied. He then drives me back to my fathers brothers place and tells him what a good kid I am.
My parents come up for a visit two weeks into my "visit". I ask them if I can go home with them. They tell me no. I beg, I plead. I am denied. I cry, I go deeper into depression and acceptance that I am stuck.
A couple days go by and his ex-lover still house mate asks me why I am so down. I proceed to explain that a few things have happened that I am not comfortable with. I am questioning if I am gay or not. I ask him if he would mind if I experimented with him to find out. He resists and says that its not proper. I insist and finally he says ok but not here. We go for a walk to a small house that he looks after for some neighbours. I proceed to suck on his cock until he is satisfied. He unloads into my mouth and I choke. I then proceed to apologize to him for choking. We walk back to the house. The next day we walk out into the woods with a blanket and some baby oil and a plastic sheet. He soaked me down with baby oil and then told me to hug him, as we lay on a plastic sheet. We did this for a little while and then he goes down on me. A few days goes by and I am introduced to one of his friends and we have a masturbation circle.
I am approached by my fathers brother about the masturbation circle and he gives me the third degree. I can not please anyone. I only seem to do wrong. I try to run away and end up lost in the woods. Its ok I am not there anymore. They find me nine hours later. A few days goes by and nothing happens. My head hurts a lot and its being lifted, nope its being put down quickly. I hear a concerned voice, I open my eyes and everything is blurry and my head hurts. I am asked if I can stand up. I see the stairs above my head and my fathers brother and his ex on either side of me helping me up. I wake up and my head hurts and my stomach feels awful, I think I am going to be sick. Nope I am being sick. I stand up fast from a water bed and stumble to the bath room. I throw up. I see lots of blood in the toilet and I scream just as I pass out. I wake up again I am in the car and we are moving. I don't feel well. I wake up again and there is a stranger in a white coat flashing a light in my eyes and ears. He says I need to get to the hospital right away. He tells me that the ambulance is on its way. I wake up and I am laying down in a vehicle moving quickly. I see a pretty lady and I tell her that I think she is pretty. I wake up again and I am in a strange room in a strange bed and my head hurts. There is no one around. I try to escape. I set off the alarm as I open the door to the stairs. I am in the sick kids hospital. I find out from the doctors that I have suffered a major head concussion.
My 14th birthday was either during my three day concussion induced sleep or shortly thereafter. I am a bit fuzzy on what happened after the concussion. A lot happens in my life in that year and the next. I end up in the CCAS custody. I end up living on the streets for a little while. Then an aunt takes me into her home for a while. I drop out of school at the age of 15 when a school mate is found murdered. The autopsy shows that he was raped then killed. My aunts boyfriends daughters ring goes missing and I am accused of stealing it. I told them that I did not steal the ring, however I am seen as the bad guy and told I have to leave. I end up living in a trailer park with an uncle for a while. I have a tent to house all my possessions and myself. Things fall apart there when I decide that I am going to quit drinking. I end up back on the streets. I keep trying to win my parents acceptance and love with no success.
At age 17 I am helping my father do some work. We are alone in an area where no one can hear us. He tells me that he knows what I went through the summer of my 14th birthday. He knows because his brother had done the same to him. He says that he chalked it up as experience and moved on with his life. He suggests that I do the same. Later that same year he introduces me to another man who sexually coerces and forces himself on me.
I still have major issues with sex. My mind has made a connection with initiating sexual contact and being a perpetrator and also with if I have sex then it can be used as a weapon against me. I do not know how to change these associations.
"Recovery is the freedom to make choices in your life that aren't determined by the abuse" that is a quote from a men's healing group I was in. I hope that one day I will be recovered.
The issues I have with this is that I have to tell it all. I have told it on my other blog, however that has been an icing on the cake telling. I have not delved into the depths of what happened to me. So I figured why not go whole hawg and post my first telling here. Following is the sexual abuse that I have suffered in my life. I shall not put names into this telling of my story. I do not wish to reveal to the whole world who I am. Those who know me can just ask who the people are.
First time I had heard of sex was when my mother threatened to with hold it from my father if he did not do as she stated. This for me was a difficult lesson. What she wanted was my ass whipped with a leather strap that they kept in the front closet. This was the first time I had heard about sex and I was about 7 years old. I am not sure what it was that she thought I had done wrong that time, whatever it was though really pissed her off. I know that I had taken a spanking from her about it earlier and laughed about it. I had been spanked so much that my bottom had become callused to it. A bare hand did not bother me anymore. I use to laugh about the fact that my bottom and my back from the base of my head to the tip of my tail bone did not feel pain. Now as an adult it scares the hell out of me. I do however have feeling in those areas, even if its not the same as "normal" people have. This sexual threat was used various times to get my father to use the belt on me over the next few years. The belt always hurt.
The year is 1984, I am going to turn 14 this summer. My parents had set up a summer away for me. One of my fathers brothers had 200 acres of land up north and I was going there. I could not wait. I could go up there and I could relax and not have to deal with my parents. How I wish I could have spent the summer at home trying to win my parents approval. I should have known that the summer was going to be wrong when he came to pick me up. The car ride to his property was the beginning of my sexual abuse. He put his hand on my knee and stroked it while he drove. I thought it was an odd for him to do, however I did not say anything I did not want to upset him. He was being so nice to me taking me for the summer. About an hour and forty five minutes into the car ride his hand went up my leg to my mid thigh. This was where it stopped from me clenching my legs closed. He told me it was ok. He said he would not hurt me and would not touch me if I did not want him to. I relaxed and he groped me. Then he took me to the grocery store and bought me a carton of cigarettes.
I can not honestly say what happened over the next couple of days. My next memory of that summer was a few days after arriving. It was late evening and things I thought were going great. We had just finished a nice meal and had cleaned up the dishes. I had been given a glass of wine with dinner and was on my second glass when I started to feel warm and light headed. This was not a normal reaction for me. I was use to drinking a lot more than two glasses of wine. However I did not think about that. I mentioned to him that I did not feel well and he said I should go lay down in his bed. It was a water bed and cooler than the single mattress bed that I had. His logic made sense so I did. I am not sure how much time passed before he came in, however he woke me up by groping me, or at least I thought that was what it was he was doing at first. His hand was working its way up and down the crack of my ass. It was slippery and did not feel right. I asked him if I had soiled the bed and apologized. He told me not to worry that I had not. So I rolled over and asked him what he was doing. He showed me a carrot wrapped in plastic wrap and a bottle of vegetable oil. He told me that he was going to teach me how to pleasure myself. I told him I did not wish to learn and he put a small brown bottle under my nose and told me to inhale deeply. He kept telling me that I was safe that he would not hurt me. I inhaled and became very light headed almost instantly. He then inserted the carrot into my ass. I whimpered and told him I did not wish for this to continue. He told me to relax as he pumped away with the carrot in his one hand and his cock in the other. He then turned us around so that he was sitting and I was in the doggy position. I then got the pleasure as he put it of his cock in my mouth as he fucked my ass with the carrot. Then when he was done he sucked my cock. I did not know what to do. I wanted to die. I wanted to kill him. I wanted it to stop.
It was a few days later that he introduced me to a friend of his who worked for the city. He told me that his friend wanted to take me to work with him that day. His friend worked in remote area's checking up on electrical lines and transformers. I was happy to get out of there for a while. I was not very happy with what had happened a few days earlier. So I went to work with his friend. It was about lunch time when his friend told me to show him my cock. I am in the middle of nowhere with a perfect stranger who is insisting on seeing my cock. What to do. The pickup truck doors are locked and there is not one around for miles. After some convincing I do as I am told and I show him my cock. He fondles me and then starts to suck on it. As he does this he pulls his cock out of his pants and grabs my hand. I resist. He pulls my hand to his cock and starts to rub his cock with my hand. This continues until he is satisfied. He then drives me back to my fathers brothers place and tells him what a good kid I am.
My parents come up for a visit two weeks into my "visit". I ask them if I can go home with them. They tell me no. I beg, I plead. I am denied. I cry, I go deeper into depression and acceptance that I am stuck.
A couple days go by and his ex-lover still house mate asks me why I am so down. I proceed to explain that a few things have happened that I am not comfortable with. I am questioning if I am gay or not. I ask him if he would mind if I experimented with him to find out. He resists and says that its not proper. I insist and finally he says ok but not here. We go for a walk to a small house that he looks after for some neighbours. I proceed to suck on his cock until he is satisfied. He unloads into my mouth and I choke. I then proceed to apologize to him for choking. We walk back to the house. The next day we walk out into the woods with a blanket and some baby oil and a plastic sheet. He soaked me down with baby oil and then told me to hug him, as we lay on a plastic sheet. We did this for a little while and then he goes down on me. A few days goes by and I am introduced to one of his friends and we have a masturbation circle.
I am approached by my fathers brother about the masturbation circle and he gives me the third degree. I can not please anyone. I only seem to do wrong. I try to run away and end up lost in the woods. Its ok I am not there anymore. They find me nine hours later. A few days goes by and nothing happens. My head hurts a lot and its being lifted, nope its being put down quickly. I hear a concerned voice, I open my eyes and everything is blurry and my head hurts. I am asked if I can stand up. I see the stairs above my head and my fathers brother and his ex on either side of me helping me up. I wake up and my head hurts and my stomach feels awful, I think I am going to be sick. Nope I am being sick. I stand up fast from a water bed and stumble to the bath room. I throw up. I see lots of blood in the toilet and I scream just as I pass out. I wake up again I am in the car and we are moving. I don't feel well. I wake up again and there is a stranger in a white coat flashing a light in my eyes and ears. He says I need to get to the hospital right away. He tells me that the ambulance is on its way. I wake up and I am laying down in a vehicle moving quickly. I see a pretty lady and I tell her that I think she is pretty. I wake up again and I am in a strange room in a strange bed and my head hurts. There is no one around. I try to escape. I set off the alarm as I open the door to the stairs. I am in the sick kids hospital. I find out from the doctors that I have suffered a major head concussion.
My 14th birthday was either during my three day concussion induced sleep or shortly thereafter. I am a bit fuzzy on what happened after the concussion. A lot happens in my life in that year and the next. I end up in the CCAS custody. I end up living on the streets for a little while. Then an aunt takes me into her home for a while. I drop out of school at the age of 15 when a school mate is found murdered. The autopsy shows that he was raped then killed. My aunts boyfriends daughters ring goes missing and I am accused of stealing it. I told them that I did not steal the ring, however I am seen as the bad guy and told I have to leave. I end up living in a trailer park with an uncle for a while. I have a tent to house all my possessions and myself. Things fall apart there when I decide that I am going to quit drinking. I end up back on the streets. I keep trying to win my parents acceptance and love with no success.
At age 17 I am helping my father do some work. We are alone in an area where no one can hear us. He tells me that he knows what I went through the summer of my 14th birthday. He knows because his brother had done the same to him. He says that he chalked it up as experience and moved on with his life. He suggests that I do the same. Later that same year he introduces me to another man who sexually coerces and forces himself on me.
I still have major issues with sex. My mind has made a connection with initiating sexual contact and being a perpetrator and also with if I have sex then it can be used as a weapon against me. I do not know how to change these associations.
"Recovery is the freedom to make choices in your life that aren't determined by the abuse" that is a quote from a men's healing group I was in. I hope that one day I will be recovered.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Ladies and Gentlemen of the world,
I stand here before you today, the abused.
This is not a way of life that I choose,
No this was a way of life forced upon me.
I hope that if in our dealings I react in a way
that is not ordinary, you will take this into consideration.
I stand here before you today, the abused.
This is not a way of life that I choose,
No this was a way of life forced upon me.
I hope that if in our dealings I react in a way
that is not ordinary, you will take this into consideration.
