My Rants

My childhood held many surprises most of which I did not understand and am still learning about. The biggest surprise that it has held is how much the abuse affected me. I thought I was a tough guy and nothing could hurt me. I lived through hell and came out ok. Well I am not ok, I am finding this out everyday of my life. I also hurt, a lot. The abuse has left me alone and paranoid. The aloneness is being fought off by my wife and step-daughter, it is an uphill battle and very trying on them at times. I try not to shut them out and I try to share how I feel. It is not easy, it has never been easy, how I wish it was easier. I have found that my lack of trust is the biggest barrier to me. I do not trust people. I find this has the most dramatic effect on my life. I find that I am victimized over and over again just by the simple fact that I do not trust people. Honest sincere people try to help and my mind searches for ulterior motives. When it comes to meeting new people, be it for social purposes or business purposes I tend to have anxiety attacks. I find reasons not to meet them.

This makes looking for work a lot of fun. I have a hard time with writing a resume as well. Imagine trying to sell someone on something that you have no faith in. If you were say an agnostic and you were asked to sell bibles. How would you do this? Could you make a living off of the amount of bibles you sold? I am starting to have faith in myself. This letter is proof of that. I need help though. I do not know where to go. I do not know where to start. All I know is that I can not continue on like this. I have been unemployed for almost 4 months now and am finding that every resume that I send out that does not get a response takes me down another notch. All I seek is employment. I have been working in the computer industry for the last decade or so. I started out with PC's back in 1982 with a Radio Shack TRS-80. I taught myself how to program basic with that PC. I added all the components I could to that TRS-80, it had a tape deck and a phone cradle modem. Then I added a floppy drive to it. I have come along way since then. I have built numerous PC's, desktops, servers. I have also set up and maintained many networks, small to medium ones. I have taught myself everything I know about computers and I learn more and more everyday.

I need help with overcoming my fears and demons. This is a call for help as well as a tool to help myself overcome some of my fears. Will this letter do any good? I would say yes, just for the fact that I wrote it. It has helped get some of this out of me. The fact that I have posted it on my blog and sent it to different media sources has also helped me face a fear and a trust issue.

My fears and demons may shape the way I was. I will not let them continue to shape who I am.

Cheers

Chris

HELP!!!


I am finding myself in a situation that I have been in many a time. The difference now is that I am seeing it in a new light. I have let my wife and daughter down. I do not have all the social graces needed to smoothly get by in our society. I find that I am lacking in ego strength and also lacking in self esteem. These things are getting better, however I am not anywhere close to where I should be at my age.

I was laid off of work on May 31st 2006. This lay-off came as no suprise the company had told us about it on January 24th 2006. I started posting resumes on different job sites and sending them out to different jobs I had heard about. I got no responses from these, so I became discouraged. This is a bad thing for me. I get discouraged and I give up. I also fear contact with other people. I do not have good experiences with people. Most do not know of my past and treat me like they do everyone else. This is fine except for the fact that I in the past have not reacted like a normal person. Big surprise huh!

Well now I find myself sitting here with ideas for a business and no way to implement them at the moment. I also find myself still out of work. Why you may ask? Well I have a hard time calling people on the phone, I also have a hard time doing follow ups to resumes posted. I fear rejection. I have tried my whole life to be accepted and loved that I do anything I can to avoid rejection. I do this as a reaction. It is not something that I think about.

Well now I am in a situation where I can not pay my bills, I can barely feed my family. This is the first time that I have gotten to this point with others that I am responsible for. This is not good and I know that I can survive on less than what I have, however I have been trying to build a life and seem to have fallen into a hole that is familiar to me. I do know that I am truly sorry to my wife and daughter for letting them down and putting them in this situation. I am trying to heal and get better and I am working on changing the errors of my ways.

Any and all suggestions on how to break the wall of fear would be greatly appreciated.