My Rants

I must admit that I am not the best on checking on others blogs all the time. I do try to check them at least once a week though. This has put me into a bit of a situation however. I just finished reading all the updates my friends have made to their blogs and I find that they have all written so eloquantly and on topics that are oh so close to my own heart. I have realized that we are all members of a group that none of us asked to join. We are all abuse victims/survivors. We have all paid a very high price and it seems that we keep paying dues in the form of self abuse, self denial, denial of self, and in pain. I for one do not wish to see my friends pay these prices any more, I also do not wish to pay these high prices either. Our dues are paid and our fees are paid. We can not undo that, we can not get out of this club. We can however realize that we no longer need to pay in the way that we have been paying.

I put forward the motion that we pay by looking out ourselves and also for one another.

All in favour say "Hell Ya!"

I am a survivor of abuse. I refuse to stay a victim. I also refuse to allow my friends to be victims. They say there is safety in numbers, well there are exactely one of me, and one is a number. I have safety from the scary things in life. I have faced the worst that it can do to me. I have even faced death and walked away.

Now I face my fears.

Andy I know its only virtual but my friend and brother in this club here is a hug for you and for your inner child. I wish I could take all your hurts and pains away my friend. I wish I could make it all better for you. I see so much of myself in you its not even close to funny. I can let you know that it does get better. It may not seem like it at the time, however if you look from where you came to where you are, then you notice how far you truly have come.

I have always feared the unknown, its a human condition. One of my unknowns is to love another male. I do not mean to be sexual with another male, I mean to feel love for in an unconditional way. I have never met another male I could trust enough to even hug or talk with. Andy you I do not fear. You are a very special person to me. I can not tell you how much you have helped me with all you have shared. Thank you.

Sher you are also a very special person to me you are my little sister in spirit. *Hugs you tightly* You are a good person and very much worth the time and effort it takes to be a friend to. I also think you are one of the most beautiful people I have ever met. I will always be here for you.

I have always feared sharing my feelings. I was never allowed to feel them as a little person. I was always told to stop acting stupid when I would express my feelings or told to grow up and act my age. My question to this is when you are a child how is it you are suppose to grow up and act your age? What is a child suppose to act like if not a child? Children do childish things. That only makes sense to me. NOW. When I was a child growing up it presented a quandry that I could not solve. There is no solution other than to be childish. So when a child is not allowed to be childish it presents a very viscious trap for that child. Thanks mom. Wish I could say I appreciate it but I dont.

Ara my big sister in spirit. I wish I could turn the clock back and change that weekend for you. I also want to remind you that there is no statute of limitations on that kind of crime. You can alway press charges against him. You my friend are the one who needs you the most as well. And I do not mean that you can lock yourself in your room or office and be alone that is not having you. I mean that you need to have a great big bonfire surrounded by friends, and you need to dance around the fire. You need to dance just because you enjoy it. You will smile for weeks just from the way people will look at you, they will have awe and utter envy of you. Why you ask, because you are doing something just for you.

I have always feared advice. I never thought I was good enough to give it. I have lots of advice and some of it great advice. I have almost always kept it to myself for fear of being laughed at and also for fear of being wrong. That last one is the one that has crippled my advice the most. I was never correct as a little person. How could I be. I could not read my mothers mind and make everything happen just the way she wanted. So I did my best and suffered the consequences ever after.

Myth my little sister in spirit. Little sister in spirit you are almost my twin in spirit =) I also wish I could make your past different. I can promise you that I will always be there with a flash light for you. I will never allow the shadows to grow beyond our control. I will also have a match at the ready. Why a match you ask. Alcohol burns so nicely. I burns better than it drinks. So we can have many a great time with alcohol and never ever drink any of it. We will set the bonfires ablaze you and me.

Closeness is another one of my fears. I have always feared being close to others. I did not wish them to see my imperfections. I use to drink like I had an internal fire that just would not be doused. Well I very very very rarely drink anymore. I do however share more. This writing should be proof of that.

Kaat, My Love, My Life, My saviour. You I can never thank enough. You saved me from my life. You saw something that others did not and you have been helping me realize just how beautiful a diamond in the rough can be. I may never be the cut and polished stone that my mother wanted. That does not matter to me anymore. I now realize that nature does not make diamonds that way. I also am starting to realize why. They are more beautiful in the rough. They are more intricate and more dazzling that way.

Kaat you have made me face one of the worst fears of my life. You have actually made me feel. I was so afraid of emotions. I did not know how to control them. I did not know how to express them. I did not know how to feel. So many unknowns there. You are the reason I have the friends that I have now. You are the reason I am writing this now. You gave me so much and asked for nothing in return. You showed me that I am worth more then I ever thought I could be. You have given me the term unconditional. That made all the difference. I was "LOVED" or so they said by a few in my past. That "LOVE" came with strings and conditions. Sign on the dotted line in blood please. Your soul is now mine. I DONT FUCKING THINK SO! My soul was never for sale and never for rent. I survived them all and you found me. Beaten battered and bruised and still you showed me that I was worth your time and love. Even when I did not think I was worth it.

THANK YOU BABY.

Thank you to my friends as well. Keep your blogs going. They are helping me so much. They are going to help many many people once they are known about. You are all worth it. I love each and everyone of you. No strings, no conditions. I love you all just for being who you are.

Cheers