My Rants

Epiphany

1. 1. A Christian feast celebrating the manifestation of the divine nature of Jesus to the Gentiles as represented by the Magi.
   2. January 6, on which this feast is traditionally observed.
2. A revelatory manifestation of a divine being.
3. 1. A sudden manifestation of the essence or meaning of something.
   2. A comprehension or perception of reality by means of a sudden intuitive realization: “I experienced an epiphany, a spiritual flash that would change the way I viewed myself” (Frank Maier).

To have an epiphany is a very profound thing. I had hit a wall so to speak in my healing progress. My personal therapist described the healing process as a ball of wool with us being on the outside of the wool walking along the single strand from end to end. We will come across the same spot from different angles once, twice, many times perhaps. This does not mean that we are not healing it just means that our perspective has changed slightly.

This is where most people stumble, they do not realize that the angle or perspective has changed ever so slightly. They see the same spot and panic or freak out. Well I learned along time ago that panic is something that can not be afforded a foot hold. Deal with the situation no matter what it is. If you have time later to reflect on the how's and whys and wherefores of the situation you can panic then. Freaking out is a way of projecting your panic or frustration. I use to freak out from frustration, however I have learned that it is nothing more than a waste of my breath and time. So I do not freak out anymore.

This left me with very few options when I came upon the same spot of wool. So I learned to stop and look at my situation and compare it to the last time I was there. I would find that it was not the same. Sometimes its so close to the same that it is hard to tell the difference but if you stop and take a breath and collect yourself, you will find that you start to see things in a new light. I have moved along this thread of wool for so long wandering the outside of the ball. Wondering how it was I would ever get into the heart of this mass of confusion. Then I found that I could walk along the thread itself and not just the outside of the ball. Let me explain that. I was walking along the thread before, however I would jump from this part of the thread to that part of the thread when they intersected. Thus I was always walking along the outside of the ball.

Once I learned to walk the single thread without hopping from here to there I found that the thread actually lead me into its secretive insides. Now I keep on the path keep my eyes open and learn along the way.

This was one of my epiphanies. Learning to walk the thread and not jump around. It is a simple thing that makes a big difference.

Another epiphany I have had recently is one of smiles. I had made a phone call a couple of years back to an agency that offered twelve weeks of therapy for free. I choked down my fear and phoned. I could not give my wife or step-daughter the life they deserved with the way I was. So I swallowed what I thought was my pride and phoned and when the woman who answered the phone asked me why I needed to see them, I almost died. I figured what have I got to lose. I gave her a five minute run down of my life. I heard her gasp and mumble oh my. She then told me someone would contact me within fourteen days.

Well two days later I got a phone call from a gentleman who wanted to talk about my situation. We set up a time to meet and I figured I would get all I could out of the twelve weeks. I still see this gentleman on a monthly basis out of his private practice. He does not charge me for the time. He has told me that I have already paid enough. The epiphany in this is when I first called the agency and when I first met my therapist, I had one goal in mind and my request was for them to help me reach that goal. It was a not so simple thing at the time. I asked them to teach me to smile.

Within six months of talking with John, I was catching myself smiling more often. Not an exceptional amount mind you but it was a lot more than I had done for the previous thirty-three years of my life. Well that has progressed as time has gone on. The other day I was driving home from work and my day had been stressful, however instead of being a grump like I was a couple years ago. I found myself smiling. For no reason at all. I was just in a good mood. Even though my day had been tough. I was floored. I could not believe I was smiling. I had broken through a barrier. I had made the decision to be happy. To not let it get to me and to let it all go. This was my epiphany.

In learning how to smile I have learned to take control of my moods. I do not know how to control my emotions and I never will. I fought in vain trying to do that for a very long time. It is not possible to control emotions. However controlling how we act and how we re-act to the emotions is another thing all together. I now know that I can control my actions to my emotions. This is where all the power is. I could do this in the past. The difference now is that I do this with more then just my fear and anguish. I now do this with all my emotions. I have opened the pandora's box and let all the emotions out. Yes there are bad ones, however there are also good ones. I choose what ones I will allow to influence me now. When they were in the box there was no control over what influenced me. There was only one influence and that was fear.

There is a multitude of other emotions and feelings in the box just waiting ttitillatete your senses in ways you could not imagine. I am still a close friend of fear however I now know that I do not have to listen to everything fear has to say. I can pick and choose what advice I take from fear. I also have a lot of others whispering suggestions and thoughts into my ears now that they are out of the box.

Thanks to all who have walked with me, held my hand, wiped away a tear, or just lent an ear or should to me when needed. I have a long way to go and many more epiphanies along the way I hope.