Thursday, September 28, 2006
A Call for Help!
My childhood held many surprises most of which I did not understand and am still learning about. The biggest surprise that it has held is how much the abuse affected me. I thought I was a tough guy and nothing could hurt me. I lived through hell and came out ok. Well I am not ok, I am finding this out everyday of my life. I also hurt, a lot. The abuse has left me alone and paranoid. The aloneness is being fought off by my wife and step-daughter, it is an uphill battle and very trying on them at times. I try not to shut them out and I try to share how I feel. It is not easy, it has never been easy, how I wish it was easier. I have found that my lack of trust is the biggest barrier to me. I do not trust people. I find this has the most dramatic effect on my life. I find that I am victimized over and over again just by the simple fact that I do not trust people. Honest sincere people try to help and my mind searches for ulterior motives. When it comes to meeting new people, be it for social purposes or business purposes I tend to have anxiety attacks. I find reasons not to meet them.
This makes looking for work a lot of fun. I have a hard time with writing a resume as well. Imagine trying to sell someone on something that you have no faith in. If you were say an agnostic and you were asked to sell bibles. How would you do this? Could you make a living off of the amount of bibles you sold? I am starting to have faith in myself. This letter is proof of that. I need help though. I do not know where to go. I do not know where to start. All I know is that I can not continue on like this. I have been unemployed for almost 4 months now and am finding that every resume that I send out that does not get a response takes me down another notch. All I seek is employment. I have been working in the computer industry for the last decade or so. I started out with PC's back in 1982 with a Radio Shack TRS-80. I taught myself how to program basic with that PC. I added all the components I could to that TRS-80, it had a tape deck and a phone cradle modem. Then I added a floppy drive to it. I have come along way since then. I have built numerous PC's, desktops, servers. I have also set up and maintained many networks, small to medium ones. I have taught myself everything I know about computers and I learn more and more everyday.
I need help with overcoming my fears and demons. This is a call for help as well as a tool to help myself overcome some of my fears. Will this letter do any good? I would say yes, just for the fact that I wrote it. It has helped get some of this out of me. The fact that I have posted it on my blog and sent it to different media sources has also helped me face a fear and a trust issue.
My fears and demons may shape the way I was. I will not let them continue to shape who I am.
Cheers
Chris
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I applaud you big bro, on being able to write this letter as a call for help. Even though it may be trying, perhaps instead of looking at it as taking you down another notch, look at it as whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
The beautiful thing about love is that no matter what, those that truly care about you and love you deeply will always be there for you, even if it can be frustrating.
I learnt alot from being abused. I am still learning.. Looking back on things, I realized if I didn't make the decisions I did, I would have been a completely different person.
I was a new person once, but you stepped past your fear to come with your wife to meet me and to rescue me from a troubled time back in february. For that I am truly grateful.. those few days with you guys were the best times I ever had during my low times since my stepdad died. Take overcoming your fears and demons one at a time. If you try to do it all at once, it may become too overwhelming and that can take you down.
Trust is indeed a huge part of what you need to re-establish. Work slowly with this.. you can gain trust back, and must believe in yourself to do so. Slowly try to take your mind away from thinking that there is an ulterior motive to everyone's actions. It's about faith and belief in others, and most importantly, yourself. I think once you learn to trust yourself first, trusting others will follow. Positive thinking will help you as well.. because if you think that you cannot, well.. it won't happen. You must believe that you can do this. Perhaps write a list of steps you think would help you learn to be more open to trust.
There are many that believe in you Chris.. me, your lovely wife and daughter, not to mention your other friends.. it is time to take up your sword and start walking again.. and we all will walk beside you...to help you up when you fall, and support you on your journey.
Love ya lots!
Your little sis.
The beautiful thing about love is that no matter what, those that truly care about you and love you deeply will always be there for you, even if it can be frustrating.
I learnt alot from being abused. I am still learning.. Looking back on things, I realized if I didn't make the decisions I did, I would have been a completely different person.
I was a new person once, but you stepped past your fear to come with your wife to meet me and to rescue me from a troubled time back in february. For that I am truly grateful.. those few days with you guys were the best times I ever had during my low times since my stepdad died. Take overcoming your fears and demons one at a time. If you try to do it all at once, it may become too overwhelming and that can take you down.
Trust is indeed a huge part of what you need to re-establish. Work slowly with this.. you can gain trust back, and must believe in yourself to do so. Slowly try to take your mind away from thinking that there is an ulterior motive to everyone's actions. It's about faith and belief in others, and most importantly, yourself. I think once you learn to trust yourself first, trusting others will follow. Positive thinking will help you as well.. because if you think that you cannot, well.. it won't happen. You must believe that you can do this. Perhaps write a list of steps you think would help you learn to be more open to trust.
There are many that believe in you Chris.. me, your lovely wife and daughter, not to mention your other friends.. it is time to take up your sword and start walking again.. and we all will walk beside you...to help you up when you fall, and support you on your journey.
Love ya lots!
Your little sis.
I owe you a large apology for not having kept an eye on this blog. I had no idea until yesterday that you had posted more.
There is no way to get beyond your demons easily...they must be challenged.
Yes it's hard, it's hard for everybody but the worst thing you could ever do is give up. Giving up is giving in. Giving in let them win.
I'm here honey...I'm here and we will be fine. You have a family that loves you and supports you.
Your kaat
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There is no way to get beyond your demons easily...they must be challenged.
Yes it's hard, it's hard for everybody but the worst thing you could ever do is give up. Giving up is giving in. Giving in let them win.
I'm here honey...I'm here and we will be fine. You have a family that loves you and supports you.
Your kaat
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