My Rants

I have been recently moved by my muse. So I am going to just put down what is on my mind.

I have taken a few IQ tests lately and scored well. I cannot help but realize that the tests you do online could never give an honest interpretation of intelligence. The old fashioned tests are very dependant on where you grew up and what you read. They are more memory and knowledge tests. Now there are tests that base the score on your pattern recognition skills. Well those are less biased but still lack a lot when it comes to intelligence. I can answer the questions with something the programmers never thought of. If there is no one to take this into consideration then the test can only score you on a true or false basis and intelligence is not based on a true / false basis. It is based on a means of recognizing patterns and figuring out puzzles. So even though I scored over 130 on this last IQ test, I do not feel it is an accurate assessment based on my above argument.

Politics. Now there is something that I have tried to avoid all my life. I have never cared for politics. Until I realize that any cause I decide to stand for is in all actuality a political stand. So all my rants about abuse and my helping start up a mens group for survivors have all been political stands and actions. This has been a bit of a profound eye opening. For a brief moment I even thought about running for office so I could make a difference for a whole lot more people. Then I giggled inside and decided to just write some more. I think my efforts are better used in shaping words into sentences and paragraphs. I know I have helped at least some people with my ranting and sharing. This is my political forum right here.

Healing. I have actually done a lot of healing over the past few years. Emotionally and psychologically I am a different person than I was when I started my blogs. The PTSD therapy that I was part of really made a difference. It helped me realize that the path I was on and a lot of what I was already doing were the right things to do. It helped me realize that I was not the only one suffering. It really put thing into perspective. I started my healing path with two lovely ladies in mind. As I struggled and fought with each step I came to realize that I may have started the path for others, however I was going to continue it for myself. That realization has helped make life for us that much better.

Lately I have done a bit of reading. Two books that I have recently finished are "Why Does E=mc2?" This was a rather well written book. I found that it did not go deep enough into the actual physics or mathematics for my liking. However it did a great job of simply explaining relativity and how it relates to modern physics. The second book is " The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy.A Guide to the Good Life." This book was in my opinion excellent. I did not agree with all of the authors points, however I found it well worth the read. It put into words a lot of the philosophy that I have lived my life by. I had no idea that it was a philosophy that had existed over 2 thousand years ago. I have since decided to make some minor changes in my ways to incorporate a few of the ideas in this book. I highly recommend it.

Welcome to my Dichotomy. What I have here is a simple issue really. I am in the process of recreating myself. I am in the middle of the difficult work of teaching my brain how to let go of neural connections that have a profoundly negative effect on my life, and trying to replace those neural connections with positive self affirming connections. This is no easy task in the best of circumstances. Now this is half of my issue.

The other half of my issue is that of how to move on. Some people find it helpful to face the past and confront it. I saw all the power to them and I am proud of them for being able to do that. My problem with doing that is that the people who did me the most harm are not responsible for their actions. They were only doing what they had been taught. Hence they grew up in tough situations.

This factor alone caused them to make neural connections that are not healthy to my reality. In the reality that they were created they did the job that needed to be done. So now my Dichotomy. How do I go about my healing by facing these people and telling them that what they did to me was wrong? They did not see it that way. They do not see it that way. I refuse to be the one to add more harm to them.

It was after, all the experiences that they lived through that made them the way they are. For me to go and face them head on would be the equal of someone coming to me and saying your a bad person due to the things you lived through. Those experiences shaped my reality. In doing so they shaped me as well. This does not make me a bad person, it makes me a person who has experienced bad things.

I am not by any means trying to defend what happened to myself. Nor am I trying to protect those that are guilty of malicious acts. I am however trying to stop the suffering. For everyone involved. Passing it back to those who passed it on to me would not be stopping the suffering only moving it on. That would make me no better than them. I am better than them that is why I am doing the difficult part. The healing part. The passing of the buck is easy. It is always easier to say it is not my fault or responsibility.

I am a grown person now. I am responsible for my actions. I am responsible for creating my reality. I will not force my reality on someone else. I will share my reality with those that I wish to. I do not wish to share it with those that have wronged me in the past. They do not deserve it.

I am a good person. I am a great person. I am an unstoppable person. I am a healing person. I am whom ever I wish to be. I create my reality. I am in control of my perceptions, my feelings, my interactions.

Well I am going to put it all on the line and apply for some compensation for what happened to me in the past. I have to apply to the Criminal Injuries Compensation Board. This is being facilitated in part by a good friend and a law firm that he has been helping.

The issues I have with this is that I have to tell it all. I have told it on my other blog, however that has been an icing on the cake telling. I have not delved into the depths of what happened to me. So I figured why not go whole hawg and post my first telling here. Following is the sexual abuse that I have suffered in my life. I shall not put names into this telling of my story. I do not wish to reveal to the whole world who I am. Those who know me can just ask who the people are.

First time I had heard of sex was when my mother threatened to with hold it from my father if he did not do as she stated. This for me was a difficult lesson. What she wanted was my ass whipped with a leather strap that they kept in the front closet. This was the first time I had heard about sex and I was about 7 years old. I am not sure what it was that she thought I had done wrong that time, whatever it was though really pissed her off. I know that I had taken a spanking from her about it earlier and laughed about it. I had been spanked so much that my bottom had become callused to it. A bare hand did not bother me anymore. I use to laugh about the fact that my bottom and my back from the base of my head to the tip of my tail bone did not feel pain. Now as an adult it scares the hell out of me. I do however have feeling in those areas, even if its not the same as "normal" people have. This sexual threat was used various times to get my father to use the belt on me over the next few years. The belt always hurt.

The year is 1984, I am going to turn 14 this summer. My parents had set up a summer away for me. One of my fathers brothers had 200 acres of land up north and I was going there. I could not wait. I could go up there and I could relax and not have to deal with my parents. How I wish I could have spent the summer at home trying to win my parents approval. I should have known that the summer was going to be wrong when he came to pick me up. The car ride to his property was the beginning of my sexual abuse. He put his hand on my knee and stroked it while he drove. I thought it was an odd for him to do, however I did not say anything I did not want to upset him. He was being so nice to me taking me for the summer. About an hour and forty five minutes into the car ride his hand went up my leg to my mid thigh. This was where it stopped from me clenching my legs closed. He told me it was ok. He said he would not hurt me and would not touch me if I did not want him to. I relaxed and he groped me. Then he took me to the grocery store and bought me a carton of cigarettes.

I can not honestly say what happened over the next couple of days. My next memory of that summer was a few days after arriving. It was late evening and things I thought were going great. We had just finished a nice meal and had cleaned up the dishes. I had been given a glass of wine with dinner and was on my second glass when I started to feel warm and light headed. This was not a normal reaction for me. I was use to drinking a lot more than two glasses of wine. However I did not think about that. I mentioned to him that I did not feel well and he said I should go lay down in his bed. It was a water bed and cooler than the single mattress bed that I had. His logic made sense so I did. I am not sure how much time passed before he came in, however he woke me up by groping me, or at least I thought that was what it was he was doing at first. His hand was working its way up and down the crack of my ass. It was slippery and did not feel right. I asked him if I had soiled the bed and apologized. He told me not to worry that I had not. So I rolled over and asked him what he was doing. He showed me a carrot wrapped in plastic wrap and a bottle of vegetable oil. He told me that he was going to teach me how to pleasure myself. I told him I did not wish to learn and he put a small brown bottle under my nose and told me to inhale deeply. He kept telling me that I was safe that he would not hurt me. I inhaled and became very light headed almost instantly. He then inserted the carrot into my ass. I whimpered and told him I did not wish for this to continue. He told me to relax as he pumped away with the carrot in his one hand and his cock in the other. He then turned us around so that he was sitting and I was in the doggy position. I then got the pleasure as he put it of his cock in my mouth as he fucked my ass with the carrot. Then when he was done he sucked my cock. I did not know what to do. I wanted to die. I wanted to kill him. I wanted it to stop.

It was a few days later that he introduced me to a friend of his who worked for the city. He told me that his friend wanted to take me to work with him that day. His friend worked in remote area's checking up on electrical lines and transformers. I was happy to get out of there for a while. I was not very happy with what had happened a few days earlier. So I went to work with his friend. It was about lunch time when his friend told me to show him my cock. I am in the middle of nowhere with a perfect stranger who is insisting on seeing my cock. What to do. The pickup truck doors are locked and there is not one around for miles. After some convincing I do as I am told and I show him my cock. He fondles me and then starts to suck on it. As he does this he pulls his cock out of his pants and grabs my hand. I resist. He pulls my hand to his cock and starts to rub his cock with my hand. This continues until he is satisfied. He then drives me back to my fathers brothers place and tells him what a good kid I am.

My parents come up for a visit two weeks into my "visit". I ask them if I can go home with them. They tell me no. I beg, I plead. I am denied. I cry, I go deeper into depression and acceptance that I am stuck.

A couple days go by and his ex-lover still house mate asks me why I am so down. I proceed to explain that a few things have happened that I am not comfortable with. I am questioning if I am gay or not. I ask him if he would mind if I experimented with him to find out. He resists and says that its not proper. I insist and finally he says ok but not here. We go for a walk to a small house that he looks after for some neighbours. I proceed to suck on his cock until he is satisfied. He unloads into my mouth and I choke. I then proceed to apologize to him for choking. We walk back to the house. The next day we walk out into the woods with a blanket and some baby oil and a plastic sheet. He soaked me down with baby oil and then told me to hug him, as we lay on a plastic sheet. We did this for a little while and then he goes down on me. A few days goes by and I am introduced to one of his friends and we have a masturbation circle.

I am approached by my fathers brother about the masturbation circle and he gives me the third degree. I can not please anyone. I only seem to do wrong. I try to run away and end up lost in the woods. Its ok I am not there anymore. They find me nine hours later. A few days goes by and nothing happens. My head hurts a lot and its being lifted, nope its being put down quickly. I hear a concerned voice, I open my eyes and everything is blurry and my head hurts. I am asked if I can stand up. I see the stairs above my head and my fathers brother and his ex on either side of me helping me up. I wake up and my head hurts and my stomach feels awful, I think I am going to be sick. Nope I am being sick. I stand up fast from a water bed and stumble to the bath room. I throw up. I see lots of blood in the toilet and I scream just as I pass out. I wake up again I am in the car and we are moving. I don't feel well. I wake up again and there is a stranger in a white coat flashing a light in my eyes and ears. He says I need to get to the hospital right away. He tells me that the ambulance is on its way. I wake up and I am laying down in a vehicle moving quickly. I see a pretty lady and I tell her that I think she is pretty. I wake up again and I am in a strange room in a strange bed and my head hurts. There is no one around. I try to escape. I set off the alarm as I open the door to the stairs. I am in the sick kids hospital. I find out from the doctors that I have suffered a major head concussion.

My 14th birthday was either during my three day concussion induced sleep or shortly thereafter. I am a bit fuzzy on what happened after the concussion. A lot happens in my life in that year and the next. I end up in the CCAS custody. I end up living on the streets for a little while. Then an aunt takes me into her home for a while. I drop out of school at the age of 15 when a school mate is found murdered. The autopsy shows that he was raped then killed. My aunts boyfriends daughters ring goes missing and I am accused of stealing it. I told them that I did not steal the ring, however I am seen as the bad guy and told I have to leave. I end up living in a trailer park with an uncle for a while. I have a tent to house all my possessions and myself. Things fall apart there when I decide that I am going to quit drinking. I end up back on the streets. I keep trying to win my parents acceptance and love with no success.

At age 17 I am helping my father do some work. We are alone in an area where no one can hear us. He tells me that he knows what I went through the summer of my 14th birthday. He knows because his brother had done the same to him. He says that he chalked it up as experience and moved on with his life. He suggests that I do the same. Later that same year he introduces me to another man who sexually coerces and forces himself on me.

I still have major issues with sex. My mind has made a connection with initiating sexual contact and being a perpetrator and also with if I have sex then it can be used as a weapon against me. I do not know how to change these associations.

"Recovery is the freedom to make choices in your life that aren't determined by the abuse" that is a quote from a men's healing group I was in. I hope that one day I will be recovered.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the world,

I stand here before you today, the abused.

This is not a way of life that I choose,

No this was a way of life forced upon me.

I hope that if in our dealings I react in a way

that is not ordinary, you will take this into consideration.

I would like to share with you my analogy of abuse.

The following is from wikipedia

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Stages of Hypothermia in Humans

Stage 1
Body temperature drops by 1°C - 2°C below normal temperature C (1.8°-3.6°F, or between 96.8°F - 95°F). Mild to strong shivering occurs. Unable to perform complex tasks with the hands; the hands become numb. Blood vessels in the outer extremities contract, lessening heat loss to the outside air. Breathing becomes quick and shallow. Goose bumps form, raising body hair on end in an attempt to create a insulating layer of air around the body (a vestigial response, but useful in other species).

Stage 2
Body temperature drops by 2°C - 4°C (3.6°F - 7.2°F, or between 95°F - 91.4°F). Shivering becomes more violent. Muscle miscoordination becomes apparent. Movements are slow and labored, accompanied by a stumbling pace and mild confusion, although the victim may appear alert. Surface blood vessels contract further as the body focuses its remaining resources on keeping the vital organs warm. Victim becomes pale. Lips, ears, fingers and toes may become blue.

Stage 3
Body temperature drops below approximately 32°C or 90°F (normal is 37°C or 98.6°F). Shivering usually stops below 32°C; difficulty speaking, sluggish thinking, and amnesia start to appear; inability to use hands and stumbling are also usually present. Cellular metabolic processes shut down. Below 86°F (30°C) the exposed skin becomes blue and puffy, muscle coordination very poor, walking nearly impossible, and the victim exhibits incoherent/irrational behavior or even a stupor. Pulse and respiration rates decrease significantly but fast heart rates (ventricular tachycardia, atrial fibrillation) can occur. Major organs fail. Clinical death occurs. Because of decreased cellular activity in stage 3 hypothermia, the body will actually take longer to undergo brain death.

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Ok now that you have the technical explanation of hypothermia let me get onto the analogy.

I feel that abuse is a lot like hypothermia. First off you have to be in an environment that is not healthy to normal human life without the proper protection. If you stay in this environment for too long then stage 1 of hypothermia starts to set in. You get angry (shivers). You lose concentration (unable to perform complex tasks). Feelings of accomplishment and achievement and healthy ego responses start to diminish (Blood vessels in the outer extremities contract).

Now the longer you stay or are kept in this environment the worse it becomes. Anger becomes more of a constant state (shivers become more violent). Rational thought becomes muddied and blurred (Muscle miscoordination becomes apparent). Healthy responses become slowed even debilitated (Movements are slow and labored, accompanied by a stumbling pace and mild confusion). Feelings towards self start to become only negative, ego at this point is only a shadow of its former self (Surface blood vessels contract further). Outward signs of abuse may start to become visible to others (Victim becomes pale. Lips, ears, fingers and toes may become blue).

If the victim is kept in this environment long enough they begin to thrive on it and even come to rely on it (Shivering usually stops). I have heard that this stage of hypothermia you start to feel warm all over. Your blood so thick that it can barely move and your inner organs start to cool down making the outside cold feel warm. It has also been stated that a form of euphoria sets in and you drift off to sleep never to wake again. The victim usually at this point has no ego or concept of self left to speak of they (Pulse and respiration rates decrease significantly). The person also relies on the abuse for feed-back and tries to please the abuser (exhibits incoherent/irrational behavior).

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I write the above from experience. I lived in the world of abuse for a long time. I was in stage three and waiting for brain death to occur. I never did see the light or a tunnel I just floated around in darkness and pain. They became my playground. They were my best and only friends. So I floated and in my bleakness. Until one day I felt something warm and embracing. I was shocked by it. I did not understand what it was. I had been cold and exposed for so long that I did not understand what a blanket was. Someone had come along and put a blanket on me. I fought it a bit and that pained the person. I could not understand what it was they were offering me. I saw the pain in their eyes. I knew that my fighting the warmth and embrace of their gift was what caused that pain. I could no longer consider just my feelings in this matter. I had to stop the pain I saw in those eyes. I accepted the gift. I started to fight off the old ways. The cold, the loneliness, the pain. I had to keep my life long playmates from hurting this angel who gave me such a wonderful gift.

I am still fighting those childhood playmates on a daily basis. The battle is long and hard, however it is well worth it. I am winning this fight. I have my blanket and stay enveloped in it. I would do nothing to ever soil this gift. The person who gave me this gift also gave me her hand in marriage. The gift I speak of is her love. Pure, simple, unconditional. For her I would do anything. For her I have changed my ways. I am a different man. A better man, a better person. I am also eternally grateful and I will love her forever.

May you find the warmth and embrace of your own blanket.

Cheers

Today was a day of sadness, sorrow, and of parting. Today we laid to rest a very special man. My Father in-law. I had to say good bye to a hero. Today was different. This man was larger than a hero. He was charismatic, he was jovial, he was gentile, he was open, he was honest, he was non judgmental, he was welcoming, he was human. He lived a good life, difficult at times, however difficult it was though he did not take that out on the people around him. He was a grand listener. He was a marvelous story teller. He was a lot of fun to be around.

One thing that everyone agrees upon about my Father in-law, he made everyone around him feel good. Never a discouraging word came forth from his mouth. I hardly had a chance to get to know him. However I am very grateful for the time that I did have. He has given me more than he could ever imagine. He has given me his daughter and his acceptance and love. For those things I will always cherish him.

To quote Horatio from Hamlet by William Shakespeare "Good night sweet prince:
And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!"

The question "Who am I?" was put to me a few weeks ago. This question has been the hardest question for me to answer. It seems such a simple thing, a three word question. Right after this question was poised and there was no simple answer the following question was poised: "Who I am not?". That was easier to answer. It did not however give me any clearer an answer for "Who am I?".

Ask yourself "Who am I?". Give yourself sometime to reflect on this. If no simple answer is forth coming then ask yourself "Who am I not?". See if that helps you answer the first question.

I gave myself time to think on the first question. It was about two weeks later when an epiphany occurred.

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I am the sum of all my experiences!

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What this means is that I am the person I am due to all of my life's experiences. What experiences shape my life are my choice. This is a big thing. It means that I am responsible for who I am. I use to sit and think about how unfair things were. How it was that others could control my life so easily. Well I have come to realize that they could do that due to my allowing them that power. I let them shape my experiences and so shape me. Well I can look back and see what experiences have shaped who I am now. I can also choose what experiences I have now to change me. I can choose to go into a neutral experience with a negative outlook and find at the end a negative experience. I can also go into the same neutral experience with no outlook and let it play out the way others wish. I could also go into the neutral experience with a positive outlook and have a positive experience. This sounds easy. It is not so easy to go from negative outlooks to positive outlooks. However it is possible.

Slowly you must change your mental state. Keep a short rein on your thoughts. Check them often and notice what it is that triggers the negative then work on that trigger. It works! I am not a positive outlook person yet. I am a negative outlook person no longer. I am a person who is working on changing his structure. My foundation was laid and is solid. I just had to clear the clutter and debris left from other peoples lives. Now that I have done that I am free to build the me that I wish to be.